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Updated on February 13, 2023
When life moves fast, it can be hard to take the time to show genuine kindness to your neighbors, loved ones, and yourself. Feeling stressed often seems incompatible with making these sorts of heartfelt connections. But it’s exactly when kindness seems furthest from reach that it’s most important to try to cultivate and embrace it.
If you have the means and ability, volunteering to help those in need can enhance your sense of purpose—as well as your physical and mental health—while you serve the greater good. At the same time, working inwardly can complement good works.
One way to foster that inward connection is by developing mindfulness.
The benefits of mindfulness
Simply put, mindfulness is the awareness that comes from paying attention, non-judgmentally, with a spirit of curiosity, to the present moment. You can learn mindfulness by setting up a daily practice of meditation.
“By tuning in to our experience through mindfulness, we develop a constructive response to difficult circumstances and establish a greater sense of balance,” says Jud Brewer, MD, PhD, head of mental and behavioral health at Sharecare and director of research and innovation at Brown University’s Mindfulness Center. “When we do so, stressful events don’t inevitably lead to stress.”
A central element of mindful meditation that extends this benefit is a practice called lovingkindness.
“Many of us are caught in a pattern where we fixate on the mistakes we make, our flaws, what we do wrong,” says Sharon Salzberg, co-founder of the Insight Meditation Society in Barre, Massachusetts, and the author of several books, including Lovingkindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness. “Lovingkindness changes the channel. It expands our perspective of ourselves and the universe of those we pay attention to.”
The result for many is being able to move away from self-judgment, fear, or anger to a greater openness to others. “If we do the practice there’s such a genuine sense of caring and a tremendous feeling of connection," Salzberg says.
Here’s how to begin.
Laying the foundation for lovingkindness
Practicing lovingkindness (also known as metta) starts with setting up a basic meditation routine for yourself. You don’t need a lot of time, space, or special equipment, just a quiet place and a few minutes each day.
Start by sitting in an upright, comfortable position. Notice without judgment how your body feels. Are you relaxed or tense, at ease or stressed?
Next, take a moment to think about the reason you’re meditating. Are you here to try to ease a feeling of stress or sadness, or simply to take a break from your computer? Perhaps your intention is to send well-wishes to someone in your life who is struggling.
Now, close your eyes gently and bring your attention to the flow of your breath at one point in your body. This might be the tip of your nose or your belly. Don’t try to control your breath. Simply notice it flowing.
Sitting in this way, gently focusing your attention, is the essence of meditation. After a few minutes, you might feel more relaxed—or you may notice how active and agitated your mind is. Either outcome is fine.
Each time your mind wanders from your breath, gently bring it back. Each time, you have an opportunity to begin again, without judgment.
Bringing in lovingkindness
When you’ve achieved some steadiness in your meditation, bring your attention to your heart. You might imagine a feeling of warmth there or your might actually place your hand on your chest.
Take a moment to recite a few phrases, out loud or in your mind. There’s no set formula for what to say or how you should say it, but the general concept is to incline your mind toward lovingkindness with the following wishes. Begin with yourself:
“May I be happy of heart.
May I be free from suffering.
May I be healthy and strong.
May I live with ease.”
Extending outward
Once you’ve said these phrases for yourself, think of someone you consider to be a benefactor. This could be a family member, friend, teacher or mentor, anyone who has shown you kindness or support or for whom you feel gratitude. Picture them or say their name, then repeat the phrases:
“May you be happy of heart.
May you be free from suffering.
May you be healthy and strong.
May you live with ease.”
The next person you might call to mind is someone you’ve encountered in life but for whom you have no connection, only neutral feelings. This could be a neighbor you sometimes pass on the sidewalk or a clerk at the grocery store. Even though you don’t know this person, they are no less worthy of wishes of lovingkindness. Repeat the phrases with that person in mind.
“You may not feel any big change in your formal meditation,” Salzberg says, “but next time you’re in that shop or in that place you’ll notice you feel a greater sense of connection.”
Next, try saying the phrases on behalf of someone with whom you have difficulty or conflict. This could be someone you know or someone you’ve never met but have in mind often. “You might be letting them live in your brain, rent-free,” says Salzberg.
Regardless of how you feel about this person or what they do that may cause suffering, consider that they have a wish to be happy, just as you do. Say the phrases for them.
Doing so is not going to change the person in question. “You can’t say, ‘I’m going to get really good at this and then Uncle Joe is going to turn around,” Salzberg notes. “But the dynamic around that person often shifts because we’re different.”
Lastly, expand your wish to all living beings:
“May all beings everywhere be happy of heart.
May all beings everywhere be free from suffering.
May all beings everywhere be healthy and strong.
May all beings everywhere live with ease.”
Experiencing the benefits of lovingkindness
Lovingkindness isn’t telepathy. You can’t expect to change someone’s mind, heart, or attitude by including them in your meditation. But research suggests you may be able to change yours.
Sustaining a regular practice of lovingkindness may help increase positive emotions (including love, joy, and gratitude), reduce stress levels, help you feel more satisfied in life, and even decrease symptoms of depression and anxiety. These benefits, in turn, can radiate outward to your loved ones and others you encounter in life.
Lovingkindness can even change your brain. Dr. Brewer’s lab uses functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) to study the brain activity of people practicing lovingkindness. He’s found that while people are practicing lovingkindness, a brain region called the posterior cingulate—a network that gets activated when people are stressed, caught up in worry, or craving drugs, cigarettes, or chocolate—quiets down.
If you’re able to carve out a little time for yourself, consider beginning a meditation practice with a component of lovingkindness. And even if you’re not always able to be physically present with your loved ones, you can still take time to hold them in your heart for a few moments, while potentially expanding your own capacity for compassion.
“Lovingkindness reinforces a deep understanding that we live in an interconnected universe, that however alone or cut off we might feel, our lives are intertwined,” says Salzberg.
The best news, notes Brewer: “It’s a capacity that we all have and can draw upon anytime.”
If you need a hand finding your breath or developing a meditation routine, visit Sharecare’s DrJud.com website for more resources. For an immersive, evidence-based mindfulness experience, download the Unwinding Anxiety mental well-being app.
*Remember that meditation should not be seen as a substitute for regular consultation with a healthcare provider (HCP). If you have a history of depression, PTSD, or other mental illness or experience significant mental or physical distress while meditating, stop and consult your HCP.
