6 expert-approved tips for amazing sex

Not only does sex feel good, but regular time in the sack can have some major health benefits. To name a few, having sex regularly may lower your risk of heart disease, help minimize pain, decrease stress, and help you sleep better.

If you know about the benefits, but still feel like you and your partner need a sexual makeover, listen up. Whether you want to spice up the sexual habits you’ve always had or you’re curious to try something new, it’s never too late to get into a sexual groove.

We talked to Elizabeth Newell, MD, an OBGYN with Northwest OB/GYN in Spokane, Washington, for some of her best tips.

When life is busy, foreplay is easy to skip during intimacy. That’s a shame, because many people benefit from—and enjoy—a precursor to the main event. What’s more, during foreplay, you and your partner can bond and explore one another, says Dr. Newell.

Touching, kissing, getting undressed, may be particularly important to women, because it can help them get lubricated. And proper lubrication can make for more enjoyable sex.

Next time you head to the bed—or the couch or kitchen counter—remember to spend some time kissing, fondling, or massaging. You may find that the extra attention heats things up. 

Remember, too, that the goal of sex is not necessarily intercourse. Outercourse—whether that may involve massage, mutual masturbation, or grinding—can be satisfying for those who opt not to have penetrative sex.

Talking about your sex habits with your partner can feel a bit awkward if you’re not used to it. But it’s completely normal to let them know what you like and what you don’t. “For men, it’s a lot easier to fulfill what they want out of sex,” says Newell. “But for women, there are a hundred million working parts and those have to be perfectly aligned to achieve orgasm.”

What does this mean? Simply put: Discuss what feels good with your significant other.

The best time to have a positive sexual conversation is right after intercourse, says Newell. “Things like ‘I really liked that position,’ or ‘I’d like to try this next time,’ are good ways to break the ice. Start the conversation in a positive way.”

It’s always good to ask your partner what they like, too. “What was your favorite part about being intimate just now?” or “How can I make sex even better for you?” are some things that can get the conversation started. 

Keeping the fire alive goes beyond just sex. Showing affection and love throughout the day is important, too. “Some people get turned on by different things. For some, it’s physical affection and for others it’s seeing their spouse vacuuming because it’s your least favorite chore,” says Newell. “Sometimes your significant other proposing that you go on a date to focus on the two of you is sexy, too.”  

A simple “thank you” for cleaning up their side of the bedroom or a note that says “Have a good day” or “I love you” are simple ways you can show your partner you’re thinking about them. And if you’re feeling adventurous, try sending them a sexy text during the day. 

How do you know what you like if you don’t experiment yourself? Even if you’re in a relationship, masturbation can help you get to know your body.

“Very few women have vaginal orgasms, so they are going to need some kind of direct stimulation of the clitoris to have an orgasm,” says Newell. And in order to find what helps you achieve orgasm, you may need to feel yourself.

If you do try masturbation, make sure you’re relaxed and calm—candles and music can help you get in the mood (especially if you’re new to it). Experiment with different lubes and toys until you find what you like.

Once you figure out what feels good to you, you can share your findings with your partner. Comments like “I really like that you did that, but when I do it on my own, this way is more comfortable,” will help them understand how to make things more satisfying next time around. Your partner may also be turned on by the fact that you’re practicing on yourself.

This may seem silly, but carving out dedicated time for intimacy can help make it a top priority.

“If partners actually talk it out, they’ll probably realize they are really busy,” says Newell. “If both people are working two jobs—which a lot of families are—it’s almost impossible to get together for a couple of hours unless it’s scheduled.” 

A study published in 2016 in Social Psychological and Personality Science suggested that having sex just once a week can help you feel more satisfied with your relationship and happier in general.

So, get out your planners, online calendars, dry-erase boards—whatever you and your significant other use to keep track of events—and schedule some time to get intimate, sans interruptions. Try heading out to dinner one night per week or just make a point to spend time together on a consistent basis.

It doesn’t always have to be hours and hours. Sometimes a few quality minutes is all you need, says Newell.

You probably have a travel bucket list, so why not make a list of your sexual fantasies, too?

At the beginning of every month, you and your partner can create a list of things you’ve always wanted to try: a new location, a new lube, a different position, or a role-playing scenario. You’ll look forward to the new, exciting experience and it’s likely you’ll find that spicing things up can make sex more satisfying. As a bonus, you’ll learn more about what your partner desires, too.

Not sure where to begin? Newell says there are a few phone apps that offer ideas for new positions and role-playing scenarios. Not only will they help you think of fresh things to try, some of them even have detailed how-to instructions.