Managing ADHD in adult relationships

Adults living with attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) often know quite a bit about its symptoms. But if you have ADHD, you might not recognize or fully realize how deeply forgetfulness, disorganization, impulsivity, inattentiveness, and other ADHD symptoms affect your relationships. You may not know how to minimize those effects, either. 

But you don't have to let ADHD symptoms get the best of your bond with your partner. Here are some common ways the condition affects relationships, plus strategies for working through the issues it may cause.

ADHD and communicating in relationships

Feeling distracted and fidgety can affect how you listen and talk to your partner. Over time, these communication issues can lead to tension and misunderstandings. So, try these tricks to promote better interaction:

• Eliminate distractions. Turn off the TV, the radio, and the phone when you're talking over big issues or having one-on-one time. Give your partner your undivided attention.
• Make eye contact. Look directly into your partner's eyes during a conversation. This serves two purposes: It helps your partner feel valued, and it helps you absorb what your partner has to say.
• Ask for clarification. If your mind wanders during conversations, don't try to cover it up and pretend you've grasped everything. Let your partner know that you had a little trouble focusing. Tell them you would like them to repeat what was said, because you really are interested in absorbing all of the information.
• Take a time out. If you ever feel overwhelmed or angry during a conversation, ask your partner for a little time to get collected. It's smart to take a break when you need it. You can always talk later, when you feel more relaxed and focused. Simply getting into the habit of stopping and thinking before you act and considering your words carefully can help head off volatile situations.

If your communication issues continue, you might consider professional advice or counseling. For example, a type of therapy called Imago Relationship Therapy has been shown in studies to enhance communication and understanding between partners and help strengthen relationships in people who have ADHD. There are many other counseling and therapy approaches, so talk with your healthcare provider (HCP) about what might work best for you.

ADHD and managing responsibilities

Adults with ADHD commonly have difficulties with executive function. Those are skills like planning, organization, management, and recall of details. Difficulty with executive functions can show up in many ways. For example, bills, household chores, and shared responsibilities may fall through the cracks, which lead to stress and arguments.

Here are some steps for staying on top of your to-do list and minimizing that tension:

• Be organized. Use file folders, calendars, and lists to keep track of bills, due dates, and appointments. You'll be less likely to forget important details— like paying the electric bill—when you keep reminders on hand and when critical paperwork has a designated, uncluttered place.
• Set a budget and stick to it. Sit down with your partner and agree on spending limits for shared expenses. 
• Plan ahead. People with ADHD may feel overwhelmed from doing too many things at once. So, break up your duties into chunks, and plan out which parts will get done when. Make meals ahead of time. Do home improvement projects in incremental steps. Use the night before to lay out your clothes and pack any items you'll need for the following day. A spaced-out approach to tasks can help you feel less pressured and stressed.
• Ask for help. Enlist the help of your significant other if you have too much to do. Divide tasks in a way that's agreeable to both of you. Accept responsibility for your part, but don't be afraid to speak up and ask for help when you feel swamped. Your partner will appreciate your honesty, especially if it leads to a happier relationship.

ADHD and adressing trouble with intimacy

ADHD can contribute to problems in the bedroom in a couple of ways. First, if you're taking ADHD medication, some may lead to a lower sex drive. Alternatively, some people who have ADHD have a higher-than-normal sex drive, and having different levels of desire may lead to conflict between you and your partner. Here's what you can do:

• Talk it out. Have an open, honest conversation with your partner about what you both want. Avoid blaming each other. Express your needs and desires in a calm way. Try to compromise and find a solution together.
• See your HCP. If your ADHD medication affects your libido, adjusting treatment may help minimize side effects.
• Consider therapy. If you're still having trouble, think about seeking help from a qualified sex therapist who can help you and your partner work through the issues. 

Looking ahead

Conflict within relationships is healthy and normal. The key is in how you resolve those conflicts. 

Since ADHD affects some of the tools partners use to resolve tensions, it's important to be aware of how your symptoms may come into play. That way, you can be prepared to deal with them in a constructive way. 

You can still cultivate a relationship that’s healthy and satisfying. It might just take a little self-awareness, some work and dedication, and the right information for moving forward.