Episode 7: Connection & creating happy, healthy relationships
We talk about the importance of connection in our lives: mindfulness in our relationships, exercises to be more present during friends and family time, benefits of having a community, and a yoga practice for staying accountable with a friend.
Transcript
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Today, what are you most thankful for? Well, I have to say my family, certainly.
I'm a part of a super tight family, really close knit, three teenage daughters, my wife, my parents, my brother.
We are really close. So I think that is what I'm thankful for every day. I'm most thankful for my family, my mom, my dad,
my brothers, my sister, my wife, my children, and now a big thanks for my grandchildren.
Goals for individuals are with individualistic ideals. Maybe we want more, something different or better for ourselves, but how can externalizing
some of these goals also help with relationships? [MUSIC PLAYING]
Yeah, I feel like relationships are the highest form of mindfulness practice. It teaches us so much about ourselves and the other person.
And I think it's really important for us to always own 100% of our 50%.
Relationships are reciprocal. And I think a lot of the times, it's easier for us to state our wants, our needs, our desires.
But how often do we put ourselves in the other's position? How do I be a better partner? How do I show up in a more loving way?
How can I be more kind? How can I be more attentive? So I think it's really important for everybody to always take responsibility, take ownership, and show up
wholeheartedly to your 50%-- 100% of your 50%.
So let's say someone wants to work on their relationships, whether it's romantic relationships, friendship, or family, et cetera.
You know, how do you start having the conversation with your client who wants to work on those relationships? You know, where does that conversation start?
I have three things that I like to say at the beginning of having this kind of conversation. The first is that you really want
to be clear about what is safe, meaning that you create an environment that is safe for you to be emotionally vulnerable.
So you want to look at what do you need from the other person in order to feel safe and communicate that? What do you need from your environment in which you're
having the conversation? Do you need to have things that are-- like the dog is put up, the kids are asleep? And the third thing is, is what do you need
to provide safety for yourself? Do you need to make sure you're rested and you're not hungry? Do you need to make sure that you're not feeling stressed in order to bring your best self to that conversation
and to the thought process of what you want to have changed? Sometimes, we think that if we dance around something or we're careful with our words that that's actually going
to get us more what we want, and it doesn't. You need to be clear and concise. You also-- and the third thing is this,
is you need to realize it's a give and take. So you bring yourself to the table. You be a person that other person
can feel safe enough to bring themselves to the conversation. And then you get to decide what's right for your relationship, not what everyone else says.
The two of you together get to decide what you need and want. We can be our own worst enemy when it comes to thinking about what's possible for us
to achieve. The psychological baggage that we bring to the table
can really hold us back from achieving the things that we want to in life. And if we have a negative mindset,
if we just think to ourselves I'm not capable of doing this, this isn't possible for me, we actually do see more negative things around us
than somebody else might who has a more positive mindset. So seeing is doing.
Seeing is believing. If we feel like we're not making the progress that we hope for ourselves, one of the things that we
might do is try to change our mindset first because our perceptual experiences and then our beliefs and what's possible can follow from that.
So when we're looking at another person, it's really hard to read their reactions. But our knee-jerk thoughts about what are they thinking, what are they feeling,
how am I coming across to them can be really important for what happens next in that conversation. I think an important thing to keep in mind
is that we can all read people in different ways, and that may or may not line up with what they're actually trying to show us.
What we found in our own research is that oftentimes the nonverbals that people are giving us, their emotional reactions that
are showing up on their faces, are multifaceted. They're actually feeling and showing a lot of different emotions all at one time.
And yet, we may only read one thing in their face. And, in fact, what we found is that that's sort of like a personality characteristic.
When I look at somebody and I-- even though that I know that there's more than one thing that they could be trying to tell me with what they're showing on their face,
we often read just one reaction. If people have a tendency to see the negative in other people's
emotional expressions, that actually sets up that interaction for conflict. It can be more challenging to work
through the difficult conversations that we're having with people and to feel an emotional recovery after we've done that hard work of moving through that conflict.
But there's another thing that we can see. There's another way to read people's faces. We can-- if we look for the positivity,
if we look for the signs of happiness or acceptance or the small smiles, even if they don't last that long, we can set up those interpersonal conversations for success.
People recover faster from conflict when they give each other the benefit of the doubt and not only assume that someone's thinking the best
but do that work to try to see it as well. Oftentimes when we're setting goals, we might try to go about it just taking advantage of our own--
of our own powers, and that might do a disservice. It could be challenging to ourselves to continue on with something that's difficult if we're only
beholden to ourselves. Social support is a great tool for helping us meet our own personal goals or even those goals
that we share with other people. That accountability partner can be really useful for helping us persevere
and getting over those challenges that might otherwise lead us to throw in the towel. So finding somebody else who can share your goal, who
will commit to the same goal, and who will check in with you to help monitor your progress, to be that accurate source of insight and of accountability
can really help us push through the challenges that we'll have. [MUSIC PLAYING]
If you see someone, a neighbor or something like that, that doesn't seem to have a community, be their community.
Just-- when I think of community, I think of engagement with other people, lively engagement. So-- but if we are isolated and we are by ourselves
and we are completely disengaged for whatever reason, that lack of community, that lack of support and really togetherness impacts us
severely, especially impacts older adults. Get out and create your own community. But also, if you see someone, a neighbor or something
like that, that doesn't seem to have a community, be their community. Be there for them. I think it's important and it's critical.
And we will all see this, especially as we get older, how impactful a positive, large, supportive community
is in our lives. When you think about community, the National Alliance of Mental Health really breaks it down
beautifully into categories. There are three, according to them, and I endorse this 100%-- belonging, support, and purpose.
So let's go with the first one, belonging. We all want to feel like we belong, right? We all want to feel like we're a part of something,
and a part of a group, and a part of people that are like-minded. The second one they talk about how important it is to build your own community is support.
What you want to see happen is to have people around you that can support you, someone that will bring a meal after you've
come from the hospital or someone that will just lend an ear or something that is just as simple as having coffee
with someone or a drink with someone, whatever makes you happy, but making sure that you have that supportive force around you.
And then finally, I would say purpose. And purpose is a great one that they have categorized.
A lot of times, you may end up in a situation where you think what your purpose is. Stepping back and looking at what is my true identity, what
is my authentic self, right, and making sure that the community reflects that. Get your community that works the best for you physically,
mentally, and socially. [MUSIC PLAYING]
At the dinner table or hanging out or at the breakfast table, and they're always on their phone.
And that distraction, while you're present but not really present, is the most common challenge people face
and what they bring up is I feel like I'm there, but I'm not there, and I feel really guilty. People feel that when they are spending time with their family
or their pets or their friends, they're distracted. They're not fully present.
There's so much to get done, and they're constantly on their screens. That is the number one problem.
The second problem that people bring up is they've gotten out of the habit over the last three years
of socializing. They don't-- it's like everybody got so isolated during COVID
that any routine habits that you had about going out to dinner or going to each other's houses got so disrupted.
And we built new habits during COVID, isolated habits, that we now need to rebuild new social habits coming out of it.
People always come to me because of time problems or organizing problems. And those very often manifest themselves
in feeling disconnected from relationships or their relationship goals that their time-- the way they're spending their time or the way the space is organized
is interfering with their relationships. So if you're always on your phone, it's interfering with your relationship with your family.
You're not present. You're sitting there and they're talking to you, and you're distracted. Connecting with people first and getting off our devices
and being fully present and asking how was your day, not you should hear about my day,
is a small amount of time and focus that actually can heal most tense relationships.
Hi. I'm Dana Taft. And I have some accountability tips for you to work out with a friend.
One of my favorite things for you to do would be to grab a friend who will be your accountability
partner. You guys will check in with each other and encourage one another along your journey. You want to mark your calendar and carve out
time where you are going to get into your exercise. You can download an app or subscribe to a YouTube channel
like Sharecare, where you can find different workouts and fitness tips to help keep you going.
The next thing I want you to try and do is grab an activity tracker. This can be technology, like a Fitbit or an Apple Watch,
but can also be a journal where you write down your activity. That activity doesn't have to be an hour.
It can be as simple as 10 minutes a day where you're carving out time to get moving and working
towards the goals you have set. Next, I want you to find a way to reward yourself. It might be getting a massage or even buying new workout
clothes, something that will put some pep in your step to give yourself a pat on the back for doing
relationships
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